Orphan: The Mind of a Psychopath
by gothgirl97
Summary: A remake of an old fanfic of mine, "The Untold Story of Leena Klammer". In this version, Leena is in prison awaiting her trial for the murder of John Coleman, while she documents her crimes in a journal.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Omg, it's been nearly a year since I last worked on this...now finally, I have finished the first chapter! Idk if or when more will come, but I'm proud with what I've started and I hope you all enjoy it too. Comments and feedback will be appreciated; as hopefully it'll help to motivate me to write more. Until then, please enjoy! :)**

February 14, 2009

Dear Diary,

It was only until I wrote the date out just now that I realized what day it was. Valentine's Day. A day for couples to make an excuse to stay in bed all day to make love endlessly. I wonder how many people are fucking at this very moment? Well I'm sure as hell am not one of them. I should be making love to John right now, instead of sitting here in this hellhole behind bars. I should've known it would end this way; nothing ever works out the way I want it to. Maybe I'm cursed? Or maybe...I deserve it. My trial is coming up soon; the trial that will ultimately decide my fate. I know the verdict will be guilty, that I have no doubt of. Then afterwards? I suppose I'll be given the death sentence...or worse...I'll rot away in some other mental hospital like Saarne. Either way, I know that I am doomed. Time has run out on me, so I suppose that's why I asked to be given this journal. If I am to die soon, then I want to make sure I leave some piece of me behind. If I can't obtain love, then by God I'm at least going to obtain some infamy.

My name is Leena Klammer. I'm thirty-three years old, trapped inside the body of a child. And I'm tired...tired of feeling so alone.

I guess if I'm going document my story, I should start at the beginning, where it all began...before the murders...before 'Esther' was even invented.

My father and I, we were very close. He taught me everything; how to sing, how to paint, how to play the piano...he also taught me how worthless I am and how nobody would ever love me like he did.

He used to rape me and my sister. I've never used the word 'rape' when talking about my father before; I guess because I never wanted to admit to myself that it was rape. I thought he loved me. But thanks to him fucking me ever since I was in diapers, he ruined any chance I had at becoming the one thing I've always longed to be; a mother.

Please understand, I am not writing this to gain sympathy by any means. My father's actions made me strong, and though he broke my heart, I still love him, even today. Growing up, I knew the things my father did to me were not considered 'normal' in society. Like all children who go to school, I learned the difference between "good touch" and "bad touch". My father was what they called a 'bad touch', but I didn't care. Just knowing that I was doing something that was so morally and ethically wrong...God, I can't lie...I thought it was such a turn on! My sister, however, never appreciated father's love like I did. I suppose that's why he visited my bedroom more often than her's. I was his favorite. With no mother to take care of us (she died while giving birth) my twin sister Veera and I were constantly at the mercy of our father. Sometimes he was gentle (mostly just with me), but there were other times where I remember things weren't always so pleasant. Karl could be a very scary, very frightful man when he wanted to be. And there had been several times where he had taken me without my consent. But it wasn't just 'immoral' sex my father was guilty of. He was an alcoholic, and a violent one at that.

One memory in particular stands out among the rest, way back when I was only a mere child of six; so young, so innocent. Well, any 'innocence' I had back then was surely stripped of me that day.

It was the middle of the night. I could hear my sister, Veera, screaming at the top of her lungs from her room across the hall. This was not unusual for me to hear, but still her screams sent an icy chill down my spine. Father was in there, doing what he does best. My heart raced; part of me wanted to run in and help her, but I too was scared of what Father would do. I knew better than to cross paths with that man when he was angry and drunk.

It seemed like hours, but finally Father was finished with her, and I could hear him step out of Veera's room. Usually he would come into my room next, but he didn't this time. I remember thinking that was odd. To this day, I'm not sure what possesed me to do what I did, but in my gut I felt something was wrong; so slowly, quietly I crawled out of bed and tip-toed over to my door. I opened it slowly and I could hear Veera still sobbing. Normally I'd go to comfort her during these rough nights, but something told me Father needed me more than she did.

At six years old, I was a lot shorter than my identical sister; practically the height of a toddler (Mind you, this was back before I knew of my disease) but though I was very small, I couldn't have been any braver than I was back then, as I slowly descended the stairs. Father was in the living room; just standing there staring with a blank expression on his face, looking at an empty spot on the wall. In his hand he held a gun.

I said nothing at first. I was standing at his side, a few feet away from him. He didn't even acknowledge I was there, and that frightened me. I had never seen my Father look so distant before; I could see the empty saddness in his eyes...saddness..and darkness. Who knows what thoughts were running through his head then, and I as an innocent child, had no clue. But now that I'm grown, I know...I know that in that moment, he must've felt guilty over what he had done. There was no other way to explain it, as I watched in horror as Father lifted the gun to his head.

"DADDY!" I screamed out, running to him, and luckily that snapped him out of his trance. He jumped slightly, turning to look at me, he slowly lowered the weapon.

"Daddy, don't! Please!" I begged, crying my little heart out.

He reached his hand down to stroke my dark hair, as he whispered, "I'm sorry, baby...I'm sorry I can't be a better father to you girls." His voice was slurred; I knew from experience that he was drunk out of his mind.

"B-but you are a good father, Daddy! The best," I cried, clinging to his arm; saying all I could in hopes he would just drop the gun. "Please...Let's go to bed. You're drunk!"

I knew the moment I said that, I regretted those words. It was as if a switch went off on him, and Father suddenly pushed me away; hard enough to knock me to the floor.

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" He roared, and I could feel my whole body shiver in fear.

"I..I'm sorry! I was just-..."

I couldn't get another word in as suddenly, Father grabbed me and yanked me up by my arm. It was a miracle he didn't pull my arm out of socket...he had before.

I was so scared now, I was crying and trembling uncontrollably. I had saved my Father's life, but now I was paying for it!

Father then cornered me against the wall so I couldn't escape, and I wouldn't even dare to try. Too afraid to move, I watched in horror as Father took the pistol and removed all the bullets...all except for one. I wimpered as he pinned me to the wall; pushing the barrel of the gun under my chin.

"Do you want to play?" He asked me; his voice dark and menacing. It took all he could just to stand up straight as he staggered some, swaying in front of me. He bend down, leaning his face close to mine; I could smell the harsh scent of booze on his breath.

He pushed the gun into me further, as if he was trying to ram it into my skull. I shook my head and cried as he loaded the gun; his finger on the trigger.

"P-Please! Daddy, stop! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I begged, but he wouldn't listen.

I squeezed my eyes shut as he pulled the trigger...

Luck was on my side that night, as the gun only clicked. But I was still shaking, and suddenly I felt something wet run down my leg; creating a small puddle at my feet. I was so terrified, I had peed. I felt so humiliated!

Father snickered cruelly and growled in disgust, "You've pissed yourself!"

He finally let me go, and I bolted for the stairs, sobbing loudly.

It was then I realized how small I truly felt. There was no bravery in me after that; I ran straight to my room and slammed the door. But it didn't help any; Father still came in and did to me what he had done to Veera; showing me no compassion, no mercy.

To this day, I still cannot shake that feeling of how helpless I felt. So small and pathetic. It was in that moment that I vowed to never feel that way again. Never again would I let my weakness show! But that was a lot easier said than done; especially for a child. That was only the tip of the ice berg with Father; as the years passed, things only became worse...Especially when we realized I had stopped growing.

Shit! It's almost lights out now as I sit alone in this prison cell. I suppose I must wait until morning to write more. It's going to be hard to crame all these details into only one journal, but I must try...


	2. Chapter 2

I will not be bothered to write the date every time I write in this thing; I must save room on the paper for more important details. Just know that I am writing in this journal every single day...because, well, frankly there's nothing else to do while I'm locked in here. And the writing helps to take my mind off where I'm at right now.

Some might wonder why I don't try to escape again. After all, I escaped the Saarne Institute. But I'll tell you my reason why. It pains me to admit it, but yes...I have finally given up. No, I do not regret any of my crimes; I am just so damn tired of rejection. John Coleman was my last hope. I have had my heart and dreams crushed so many times, I would rather face death than another heartbreaking rejection. Also mind you, this prison is a lot more secured than the mental hospital was; I don't believe I could escape here even if I wanted to try. The world has finally had enough of me, and I enough of it...Hell, who I am kidding? I never belonged in this world. I think I must've been born for failure. I'm ugly...I'm pathetic...I'm worthles! I HATE myself and this body I'm doomed to live with! Esther never caused me anything but trouble!

But more on 'Esther' later. I suppose now I should continue my story. Hmm...where was I...

Well, over the years it didn't take long to find out something was wrong with me. Not only did I stop growing at four feet tall, I never had my menstrual period...ever! I suppose most women would consider that a blessing, to never have to deal with all the blood and cramps. But to me, it was a curse, a nightmare! A constant reminder that I was not a, in the words of my father, a 'real woman'. I'd be lying if I said I don't believe him.

So, doctors diagnosed me with Hypopituitarism, a rare hormone disorder that caused proportional dwarfism. I'm a fucking dwarf: a midget! How pathetic! And how crushed I was to learn of this. I was around sixteen or seventeen when I found out the name of my condition. Of course I was teased brutally all through my school years, just because of my fucking height! It was even worse and more humiliating in high school. I dropped out after my tenth grade year. Well, technically I was suspended for attacking a student, and I just never came back.

I never had a boyfriend growing up. Yes, I know, how 'shocking', right? No boy ever once glanced my way. They were all too busy drooling over Veera; but even she hardly dated herself...Father wouldn't allow it. It didn't bother me much, as Father was my lover. I was, and still am, deeply in love with him; both platonically and romantically. And he though he eventually turned me away, I know he loved me back...in his own way. Or...he used to.

At first, Father tried to make me feel better about my condition; practically forcing me to embrace it, as he made me dress up like a little girl when we made love. This was are special 'playtime'; something he could never do with Veera, she didn't look 'young enough' like I did; of course she was the lucky twin that didn't share my condition. We were identical alright; as in she looks just like me only if I were grown. There are not enough words to describe how much I envied her.

Part of me wanted to hate her for it, but I could never bring myself to it; not fully. We were so close growing up, she was my one and only friend; we were each other's rocks during our hard abuse with Father. If either of us were hit or mistreated by his hands, we would comfort each other. Or, when we were little, we'd hide in the closet together when Father was in another drunken rage.

But as I grew older; and my sister's body matured so very nicely...I found myself wanting to be more than just friends with her. I never made a move on her growing up though, for I knew how much she hated Father's love...I'd be a fool to think she would accept mine. But what she didn't know was that I watched her, I fantasized about her. I'd peek through the doorway to watch her undress; I'd even watch her shower, and pleasured myself as I watched her too. I've lost count how many times I masturbated thinking about Veera and Father both making love to me at the same time. It turns me on just thinking about it now! But before I even had a chance to tell her how I felt; my beautiful sister decided to leave me. I would've left with her, but my bond to my Father was too great; I didn't know how to live without him.

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were eighteen. Father had went off on her pretty badly that night; he gave her a black eye. I was sitting with her on her bed, comforting her afterwards. I combed my fingers gently through her long dark hair as her head laid in my lap; my poor sister still sobbing, while I resisted the urge not to touch her 'inappropriately'. God, she smelt so good and all I wanted was to kiss her and hold her close; let her know I wanted to take away all of her pain. But she spoke up first and what she said made my heart skip a beat, and not in a good way!

"I'm running away, Leena."

"What?" I heard her, but I didn't want to believe I heard her. She couldn't have been serious!

But she was!

"I said, I'm running away," she repeated, "Tonight."

"Veera, no!" I pleaded, "Why?! You must stay here with me and Father! It's...it's not a family without you!"

"Yeah, some family!" Veera sniffled, sitting up slowly, she shook her head as she looked me in the eye. "I can't believe you'd even say that, Leena! Aren't you afraid of Father? Why aren't you?! Look what he did to me!" She pointed to her eye, which was almost swollen shut. "What he does to us...Every. Single. Day. It's every goddamn day now, Leena! What kind of a 'family' is this?! Is this what you call a family?!"

"A close family," I said and my twin sister drew back; appalled at my answer.

"I swear to God, Leena, Father has you brainwashed! Do you honestly think this is NORMAL?!"

"Keep your voice down, Father will hear you!" I warned sternly.

Veera just shook her head again and got up from the bed; going to her closet, she grabs a luggage bag and starts stuffing her clothes in it. My heart lept into my throat. My God, was she really serious?!

"Veera," I rushed to her side, "Veera, what are you doing?"

"What did I just say?! I'm leaving! I'm tired of this, Leena! I can't live like this anymore! And neither should you! Father's insane!"

"No! Father loves us!"

"He RAPES us! That's not 'love', Leena! It's sick! And...And you're sick for even thinking otherwise!"

"Easy for you to fucking say," I snapped back, "You're gorgeous, sister. If you leave here right now, there's no doubt you'll find yourself a man! Father is all I have! Father loves me. He loves me more than you! You know I've always been his favorite!"

"Favorite?!" Veera looked absolutely disgusted. She quickly zipped up her bag. "This isn't about favorites! I don't want to be Father's anything!"

I glared at her; my vision blurry with tears as I watch my twin open her bedroom window. Holding her bag, she was about to climb out, but she paused suddenly and turned to me once more.

"Come with me, Leena. Please!" She begged, "You can't stay here. How can you even be happy here? I'll help you. We can leave Tallinn tonight; find an apartment as far away from here as possible. We can start over, we can have a normal life...A better life! Anything's better than this!"

I stayed silent for a long while as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Though I appreciated her offer, her loving kindness; I knew I could not accept. I slowly shook my head.

"I can't," my voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yes you can, Leena!" Veera urged on, "Don't let him hold you back, Leena. Don't let him do this to you! You think he loves you...He doesn't even know what love is!"

"Y-You're wrong! Father loves me for who I am. I guess I can't say the same for you though."

Veera looked hurt; disappointed and crushed all in one. She made one last attempt as she reached for my hand; but I quickly recoiled. She sighed quietly and turned towards the window.

"Good luck, sister," were her last words to me that night, as she disappeared out the window and into the darkness.

I was sure she would come back...but she never did. It would be years before I ever saw her again.

Now I had Father all to myself. For awhile, that was a good thing. But I soon would learn...Nothing was permanent...


	3. Chapter 3

My trial date's getting closer, at least I think it is. Days blur by in a haze when you're locked away like an aminal. Oh, John, my love, why did you have to reject me? I would've worshipped you, unlike Kate. That whore is still breathing somewhere out there, along with her two children. If I ever manage to get out of here (which I doubt! Unless they send me to another hospital, then maybe I can escape) her and those brats will be the first I go after!

But enough about them. I need to save room for my story; my only 'legacy'. Maybe the public will finally understand MY point of view!

So, where was I? Oh, yes...My twin sister Veera had run away and now it was just me and Father. But as the years passed, I started to regret not joining with Veera.

One night, I remember sitting at my dresser mirror; delicately covering up a bruise near my eye - from Father, of course. The older I got, the more violent he was to me. But this was my norm. And despite my better judgement, I still loved him. And I had thought, hopefully, that he still loved me.

But I was stuck. I was in my mid to late twenties and I still looked as though I was trapped inside the body of a child. And that's how still feel now to this day! Father was losing interest in me. We hadn't made love in almost a month now. Not even on his drunken nights did he take me without consent. Some twisted part of my mind even missed that. At least when he raped me he was touching me; but nowadays he wouldn't touch me at all.

Am I really that ugly, I thought, am I really that much of a freak that my old man didn't desire me anymore? No! I wouldn't have it! I was going to win him back.

Father wasn't home yet, and lately this has become more of a thing as well; leaving me alone to worry and wonder where he's been off to for so many hours. Was he...could he be cheating on me?! I quickly shook my head. No! I couldn't bare to think such things were true. He still loved me, I know he does. I just had to remind him what he's been missing.

I used makeup to cover up the rest of the bruises and dolled my face up even more; complete with lipstick the shade of blood red. I curled my hair and picked out the sexiest black dress I owned. Then I went in his room to light some candles and scattered rose petals on the bed. I wanted tonight to be extra romantic. This had to work!

Finally, I heard the front door open and I quickly lay on the bed in a seductive pose, waiting for him to find me.

I smile as the bedroom door starts to open.

"Hello, daddy," I greeted him. But to my horror, he wasn't alone. A blonde woman clinged to his side as they stumble through the door. They were clearly both drunk and the woman was already half naked.

I felt my heart sank in that very moment. So it was true; he was cheating.

They both stopped to stare at me in shock, but I could see the rage in my Father's eyes.

"What the FUCK is this?!" He demanded, "What are you doing in my room?"

I could already feel the tears swelling in my eyes. I blinked and my dark mascara rolls down my cheeks.

"You mean OUR room! Or it used to be!" I couldn't help but cry now. "I did all of this for YOU! For us! And who the hell is she?!" I glared at the woman he was still holding onto.

"I'm Irene," she slurred, "And who are you, little girl?"

I glared at her furiously, "Fuck you, whore! I'm NOT a little girl!" I get up from the bed now, stepping closer to my Father.

"How?" I demanded; hurt and crushed beyong repair, "How could you? After ALL we've been through?! You told me you loved me!"

My Father staggered closer, letting go of Irene, but that look of hatred was still burning in his eyes.

"Just look at yourself! Look like a damn prostitute, a tramp!" He yelled in my face. He might as well had slapped me just then; that's how much his words stinged.I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"When's it gonna get through your thick head, Leena?! You're NOT a real woman! And you NEVER will be!"

"Oh, so this slut you bring into our home is?!" I fire back, but immediately regretted it as my Father backhanded me across the face, hard enough to send me to the floor.

I felt so heartbroken, my cries turned into sobs which angered my Father more and he kicked me in the ribs. I screamed in pain.

"SHUT UP!" He bellowed, and I thought he was going to kick me again but Irene stepped in. She had other plans.

"Aw, don't be so rough with her, darling. She's so small you might break her. She's cute, you know. A perfect little 'toy'..."

I didn't like the sound of that. I was used to my Father taking advantage of me, but not this woman, this stranger. But Father didn't care about me anymore, that was clear to me now. I was in too much pain to fight back as he picked me up and threw me onto the bed. Irene and him then proceeded to tie my arms to the bedpost.

The romantic evening I had planned to bring my Father back to me was now turning into a living nightmare...no, a living Hell, as Father and his new 'girlfriend' had their way with me. And it seemed to never stop.

This torture lasted for weeks, with me as their 'little doll'...


	4. Chapter 4

I couldn't tell you how long I've been trapped like this; long enough to nearly starve to death and use the bathroom on myself. Disgusting!

They beat me and raped me. They even stuck things inside me; not sex toys, but objects that shouldn't belong in a woman's vagina. (If I even was a woman anymore.) I'll spare you the rest of those details. I still wish I could burn them from my memory.

Father made sure to remind me everyday that I wasn't a real woman; that no one would ever want me now. They dressed me up like a child when they 'played' with me; just like Father used to like to do years ago, when our relationship was romantic. But this was far from romantic; this felt humiliating. As I said before, I was now their 'little doll'. Or 'toy', as Irene had put it. They just laughed at my pain and misery. Fuck them both!

I knew I couldn't stay living like this much longer; slowly but surely, I knew I'd die if they continued to let this go on. Perhaps that's what Father wanted all along, to get rid of me slowly and watch me rot away to nothing. After all, I was nothing to him anyway. But I still loved the sick bastard. I know I shouldn't now; he clearly didn't love me anymore. I guess it was because of all we've been through together, with me and Veera too. I guess I had hoped he would change; throw that whore Irene out and love me again. But no, it was only wishful thinking. The man I loved was now long gone and a monster took his place.

Father worked during the day, leaving that whore Irene at home to take care of me. When she was sober she fed and cleaned me. And in her sober state I could see in her eyes she felt guilty for keeping me prisoner here. Good! But she was just as afraid of Father as I was, so maybe we were both prisoners. But I felt no sympathy for her; only hatred! She and Father were my tormentors now. And I was living in Hell.

One afternoon, Irene came in to feed me again. She sat in a chair near the bed and cut up my food in small bites, so I wouldn't choke on them as I had to stay laying down.

"I...I'm so sorry," she whispered an apology. She did that a lot, but every time her 'apologies' just fell on deaf ears to me. Fuck her!

She tried to offer me a bite of food but I refused.

"Then let me go if you're so sorry. Release me!" I begged. But she only shook her head.

"You know I can't do that."

"Yes, you can! Daddy loves you now, not me! He wouldn't care if I were gone," I was crying now, "Please, Irene! I'll die if I stay here. These bedsheets are too tight, I can't even feel my hands anymore. Please! Please, let me go! Please!" I was begging for my life.

Perhaps Irene really did feel guilty or perhaps it was my childlike appearance that won her over (that part always seemed to save my ass, as I would later figure out) but she finally gave in and began untying the bedsheets from my wrists. I felt the blood rush back into my hands. I was free!

I quickly get out of bed, and before Irene knew what hit her, I took that plate of food and smashed it over the bitch's head. It shattered on her and she collapsed to the floor in a daze. I immediately crouched down ontop of her. I picked up the knife that was laying by her on the floor, then I forced her to turn onto her back so she could look me in the eyes. The plate had made a gash on her forehead and blood was trickling down her face. I smiled darkly at the sight of it. Her eyes widened in terror when she saw the knife in my hand.

"L-Leena? Leena, no! Please! I let you go! I let you go!" She cried for mercy. But I just pinned her down and slashed the knife across her cheek to make her shut up. She screamed in pain and I loved it.

"THIS is for stealing my Father!" I screamed in her face, right before stabbing the knife deep in her chest. She coughed up blood. "THIS is for torturing me!" I plunged the knife in her throat now. She was probably already dead but I wasn't finished yet, not with this sorry excuse for a human!

"And THIS...Is because I FUCKING feel like it!" I screamed out in a blind rage as I started jabbing the knife into the slut's cunt, over and over again; mutilating her womanhood. By the time I was finished, Irene was nothing more than a bloody mess.

I finally stood up, breathing in and out hard as I glared down at my first victim. (The first of many, as I would later find).

My first kill felt exhilarating; adrenaline corsed through my body and I wanted more.

Now it was Father's time to pay!

I had to wait a few hours for him to return home, giving me time to stage a little 'surprise' for him...

* * *

Nighttime had come, and I could hear my Father's car pull up outside. I was waiting for him; hiding behind the door of his room. The lights in the room were off and it was completely dark. Downstairs, I heard Father come in through the front door, calling for his slut. But no answer would come to him.

I listened as his heavy footsteps stomped up the stairs and I held my breath.

No turning back now.

The bedroom door opened slowly and I stay put where I was behind it, out of his sight. Karl flipped on the light, expecting to see me still tied to the bed, but instead he saw the little parting 'gift' I left him. He was too in shock to scream, he just froze, gawking in horror.

His lover's bloody corpse laid on the bed, tied up like I was, and her legs were spread open to reveal the mutilation I caused. And above the bed, painted on the wall with her blood was a little message for him:

 _'Do you love me now, Daddy?'_

I slammed the door shut, revealing my presence loudly. My Father nearly jumped out of his skin, turning around quick to face me; his eyes were wide, fearful. So many times in the past my Father made me give that same fearful look; now it was his turn.

"Leena?" But it was more like a yell than a question, like a yell for help as he eyed the bloody knife I still held and the blood all over my face and dress - Irene's blood.

I tilt my head to the side, stepping closer to him. He took a step back, holding up his hands, as if that would save him. I could tell by the way he stared at me, eyes wide, that he knew his fate was sealed.

"Well, do you?" I ask calmly but coldly, my glare burning at him harshly. "Do you love me now, Daddy?"

Before I gave him a chance to even answer, I ran towards him, knocking him down as the knife went through his chest. I was ontop of him, stabbing him over and over again. I could taste my Father's blood in my mouth as it splattered all over me. I screamed at the top of my lungs, letting out all my rage.

"DO YOU LOVE ME NOW, DADDY?! DO YOU? DO YOU, YOU SICK PIECE OF SHIT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! AHHHHHH!"

It seemed like I stabbed him for hours and maybe I did, because afterwards I felt so exhausted. Exhausted but finally free.

I cried for hours after though, I know that. Cried and cried as I hugged and kissed my Father's corpse. I even mounted him and stuck him inside me, making love to him one last time.

Why couldn't he just love me back? And who would love me now?

When I was 'finished' with him, I cleaned myself up; washing away the blood off myself and the knife, trying to also wipe away any fingerprints off the handle. I should've been more careful, I know, but it wasn't like this was planned. It was my first murder after all.

I knew I had to get out of here quick. And I did the only thing I knew to do; disguise myself. Though I hated looking like a child, I figured I might as well embrace it. And who would suspect a child to commit such crimes? I packed a bag full of all the child-like old timely dresses my Father had bought for me years ago. I layered my face with thick makeup, hiding my age. My Father even had false teeth made for me to complete the look. I wore a plaid blue dress and white stockings and put my hair in pigtails. I looked myself over in the bathroom mirror and my Father's words still rang in my mind: _"You're not a real woman!"_

I sighed, then grabbed my belongings and headed downstairs. Before leaving, I found a small picture of my Father. I kissed it then placed in my dress pocket. I then walked out into the night. I didn't know where to go or what to do in that moment, but at least I was free from that life of abuse.

Or so I had thought...


	5. Chapter 5

I remember I must've walked about a mile or more that night; I knew I had to get out of the city of Tallin. My legs ached and I was getting tired of hauling my bag around; I didn't realize how many dresses I had packed. It felt like a ton. I stopped to rest a moment on the sidewalk. It was a cold, crisp night and I was shivering. I felt stupid too. I had no money with me, no weapon. Hell, I just escaped from my own house and murdered two people, I wasn't thinking clearly when I left.

But oh boy, was I thinking now! Great, I did all of this shit for nothing! Now I'm going to sit here and freeze to death or starve. But I remembered then, I was dressed like a child, so perhaps someone would take pity on me.

I wished I knew where Veera was. I'd run to her in a heartbeat. But I haven't heard from my twin in years. I bet she was doing a lot better than I was right now.

I looked around at where I was. I was definetly not in the nice part of Estonia, that was for damn sure. Nothing but alleyways where hobos and druggies slept. Well, this is your life now, Leena, I thought bitterly; better get used to it.

With a sigh I stood up and grabbed my bag again, walking to who knows where; I just wanted to find a place to sleep.

I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings, so the sound of a car driving behind me didn't faze me much. I hadn't realized I was being followed until I rounded a corner, and the car sped up so fast it was right in front of me before I knew it. My first thought was that it was the police. Shit!

I took off running fast but the man caught up to me and grabbed me from behind. I tried to scream but he put a rag in my mouth and started dragging me back to the vehicle. I kicked and fought for dear life, trying to use my bag as a weapon, but to no avail. I froze when I felt the barrell of a gun against my back.

"Don't try to fight me, little bitch, or I will kill you!" The man sneered. I still couldn't see his face yet.

Before I knew it I was thrown into the back of the car, locked inside. The mysterious man got in the driver's seat and immediately sped off.

I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. This wasn't the police. I was being fucking kidnapped!

I sat up straight and yanked the rag out of my mouth. "Who the hell are you? Where the fuck are you taking me?!" I demanded answers, my voice anything but childlike.

"The fuck?!" The man glanced back at me, looking bewildered. "You're not a kid?!"

"Fuck no!" I glared, "What? You like 'playing' with little girls?"

The car swerved has he came to a halt at the side of a curb. I thought he was going to kick me out, but he turned on the lights inside the car instead. He was just staring at me in shock, taking a second look at my appearance.

I glanced him over to. He looked older, about my Father's age, and he had dark hair and five o'clock shadow. He looked rather handsome to me, even if he was a kidnapper.

"How old are you really?" He questioned.

"What's it to you? Don't you want a real child?"

He didn't answer that. He took notice of my bag and nodded to it.

"You on the run?"

I nodded, "I thought you were the cops."

"What did you do?"

"I just finished murdering two people," I said this matter-of-factly but coldly, letting him know I wasn't afraid to do it again right here.

"I guess you need a place to stay, huh? And some money? I can arrange that."

"How? And how do I know you won't turn me in?"

He chuckled, "You'll be working for me, darling. And why would I turn you in when you're so valuable?"

Valuable, me? At first I didn't understand what this creep meant. But then it became all too clear. He wanted to be my pimp.

I shook my head in disgust, "I'm not a damn whore!"

"Really? Because I can hook you up with some very wealthy men that have a 'peculiar' fetish. And since you're really an adult, well, then no harm is really done, and those men can still keep their morals."

Morals? I almost laughed. I didn't know the meaning of the word myself; killing two people in one night can do that to you. I had to admit, he was getting me intrigued. Or maybe it was just his good looks that reminded me of my handsome (dead) Father. Besides, God (if there was one) only knows how desperate I am right now. Perhaps this was my lucky night after all.

"How much money are we talking?"

The man grinned, "A lot. 200 to 300 kroons per client. I get a small percentage, of course. But I'll give you a roof over your head and food for free. How does that sound to you? Are you in?"

I wasn't sure what I was walking into, but I did know a lot about sex. And the pay didn't sound bad at all. Who knows, maybe I could get a client to actually love me? I was determined to prove my Father wrong.

I nodded firmly. "I'm in."

"Good," he smiled and gave me a wink, before turning the lights back off and putting the car in drive again. "So, what's your name, darling?"

"Leena Ivanova," I lied: like hell was I about to give him my real last name. I wasn't that stupid.

"I'm Maksim." He never gave me his last name.

So, here I was, about to start my new life as a prostitute. I thought it was kind of funny, how I accused Irene of being a slut and now look at me, about to become one myself. Life's full of irony and surprises.

And I hoped beyond hope that I'd find love with this new 'job'...


	6. Chapter 6

The 'Whore House' was an old abandoned apartment building. Hell, I knew this wouldn't be a life of luxury, but I honestly was expecting more, from the way Maksim talked about the supposedly wealthy men he knew. Could he not afford something better than this hellhole? There were rat droppings everywhere and the place reeked of mold. Some parts of the roof looked like it was going to cave in and sure enough there where some holes in the ceiling too. I could only imagine what the room itself looked like. But I was a woman on the run now and this seemed to be my best and only option. And Maksim did promise me money and food.

When we entered the apartment room, I immediately could see why he chose such a place. He had to be in hiding too.

"Girls, this is Leena Ivanova; the newest member of the family," Maksim said, introducing me to five other girls.

And girls they were; the oldest looked to be maybe fifteen or sixteen and the youngest maybe ten or twelve? Maybe even younger. They were all dressed very provocatively and were all skinny. Some had bruises. Probably from rough sex, I thought. But I didn't feel anything for them. To this day I can't even remember their names. I was just here to make a living, as I'm sure they were.

"Despite the way she looks, Leena's actually an adult," he then looked at me, "How old are you really?"

"Twenty-four," I finally answered his question from earlier.

The girls' eyes all widened in disbelief; one even gasped. God, I hated being gawked at like a freak!

"I was born with a rare hormone disorder," I explained myself, "Plus the makeup and dresses hide my age."

"Right. So, if I'm not here, Leena's in charge. And I expect you all to treat her with the same respect you do me. Understood?" Maksim demanded.

They all nodded their heads in unison, like mindless robots, "Yes, sir." I could tell they knew better than to say otherwise.

As I looked around my new 'home', I noticed a spare room in the back of the apartment. Inside I saw a video camera on a tripod stand. I would soon learn that not only was Maksim dealing with prostitution, but he also worked in the underground porn industry. He would film the girls having sex with each other. Later on he managed to convince me to join in, but I made him pay me extra.

On my first night here, I had to sleep on an old mattress on the floor, just like the other girls. But it didn't take long for Maksim to let me sleep in the bed with him. He never touched the other girls, only me, and that made me feel special, like I was wanted again. Perhaps that's why I stayed working with him for so long.

And true to his word, Maksim did know wealthy clients. The pay wasn't too shabby, however Maksim kept more of the percentage than I thought he would. I didn't mind it, at first, because he kept buying me nice gifts. I was his favorite. But I knew that was only because I made him the most money. Sometimes the men came to the apartment, to have their way with all of us girls. But the majority of them only wanted me for themselves. So Maksim drove me to their houses; dropped me off when their wives and children were gone of course. Most of the men were nice, but there were the assholes that didn't appreciate my services.

I was still subjected to abuse and rape. When I confided to Maksim he simply told me it was just part of the job, to toughen up. As if I wasn't tough already. But one guy did almost beat me to death with a chair when I refused to let him fuck me in the ass. He did it anyway. I had almost ran away then, but Maksim had his charms and ways of pulling me right back in. He reminded me that without him I'd either be out on the streets or in prison.

"Here," he gave me a small box one day; another one of his gifts I thought. "It'll go with your dresses and some of the men might like it."

Oh, great, another addition to my 'costume'. I didn't wear provocative clothing like the other girls, as it would ruin my innocent image. I only wore the dresses I had packed with me and I hardly ever undressed during sex. Reluctantly I opened the box, to find three ribbons inside; two small ones for my wrists and a larger one for my neck. They were the color of maroon red and had a white lacey trim. How ridiculous!

"Put them on," he urged. And I did.

"Aww, see? You look like a little princess," he joked, but I didn't find it funny.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. I had hoped it'd be real jewelry, like the other gifts he usually showered me with.

"Ugh! Do I have to wear these everytime? They itch like hell!"

"No," he said to my relief. "But I think it completes the look. Don't you?"

I had to admit, it did add to my child-like façade. (And little did I know then, but these ribbons would be my lifeline soon and I'd be wearing them every goddamn day!)

But remember what I said before? That I had hoped one of my clients would fall for me? I was still so romantically starved. I didn't intend on living like this forever. I longed for a husband and a daughter I could call my own.

The murders didn't happen right away, but the more each man rejected my ideas of love, the more I couldn't hold back my rage. Every damn time it happened, I was reminded of how my own Father rejected me and the words he had said. I just couldn't help myself! One time I even proposed to a client and he just laughed in my face. Big mistake for him! It ended with me nearly cutting his head off. And I even cut some dicks off too! I don't know how many men I killed, maybe seven or more? But my favorite clients I always saved a small picture of; like a trophy of sorts, a reminder of the goal I was reaching for.

Maksim didn't catch on right away; I always managed to clean the blood off myself before he picked me up from their house. Sometimes there was no blood at all; I'd just strangle the motherfuckers! It was addicting to me too; killing. But I truly didn't want them to die, not at first. I just wanted to be loved and cherished. I wanted to be a 'real woman'.

But as more of the regular clients mysteriously 'disappeared' and I was short on the money I owed him, I could tell Maksim was getting suspicious of me.

I knew my days living with him was about to be numbered. I just didn't think it'd all come crashing down so soon...


	7. Chapter 7

I remember one kill in particular; as it would be my last kill for many, many years...

"Oh, Jaak, why can't it be like this forever?" I cooed dreamily to my client, resting my head on his chest after we had made love. Or, I had thought it was love. He'd been requesting me for awhile now and I thought he really liked me.

Jaak's fingers petted through my dark hair and then massaged my neck. I had stopped wearing those damn ribbons Maksim had gotten for my 'look'. I hated those things!

"What do you mean, Leena? I've been seeing you almost everyday."

I lifted my head to look up into his eyes; such dark, handsome eyes. "Yes, but I mean more. I...I could live with you."

To my dismay he just shook his head. "And how would I hide you from my wife then? To tell you the truth, Leena, I might need to start seeing you only once a week. I'm not fucking my wife anymore and I think she's starting to catch on."

I felt my heart shatter at those words and I almost started tearing up then.

"Jaak, you don't need her. You can have me, all to yourself! I...I love you, Jaak." That was the first time I ever told him those three little words.

Jaak's eyes widened and he sat up straight, pushing me off him. "Leena! Are you nuts?! Y-You're just a whore! I don't love you. I can't! We just have 'fun' together, that's all. I'm in love with my wife!"

"I'm NOT a whore!" I practically screamed. The tears streamed down my face now.

"Yes you are! Then why the fuck do I pay you so much to suck my dick?!"

"FUCK YOU!"

I had enough of his words. I wanted to shut him up, for good! I shove Jaak onto his back again. I then grabbed a pillow and slammed it ontop of his face. It took all my strength, all the adrenalin in me to keep him pinned there. His arms started swatting at me, grabbing for me. He tried to kick me off him but I pressed all of my body against the pillow. I listened to his muffled screams as I smothered the son of a bitch! Listening until I heard no more. His body finally went limp but I stayed on him a minute or two longer, just to be sure.

I lifted the pillow, seeing Jaak's now lifeless eyes staring up at me. A tear rolled down my face and landed on his cheek, as I leaned in to kiss his lips one last time.

He was another favorite of mine, so before I left I stole a small picture of him. It was of him and his wife but of course I ripped that bitch out. Why couldn't I be his wife? Or anyone's wife? Why was I so unlovable?

Maksim was waiting for me outside, standing by the car with his arms crossed. He glared at me sternly.

"Where's the money?" He demanded.

I felt my heart jump into my throat. Shit! Why didn't I steal some money while I had the chance.

"I'll, uhh, give it to you at the apartment." I lied through my false teeth. "You don't want people to see us, do you?"

And when I reminded him of that he ushered me in the car and sped off.

Back at the apartment, Maksim grabbed ahold of my arm roughly and pushed me into his room. He slammed the door shut.

"The money?!" He demanded.

I didn't answer him and that rewarded me with a hard slap to the face. I stumbled backwards a bit, holding my cheek as I glared at him.

"I'm onto your game," he sneered, "Leena KLAMMER!"

My eyes went wide. "How do you..." Before I could get the question out, he threw a piece of paper at my face. Not just any old paper, a newspaper. My legs went weak and my ass landed on the bed as I read the headline. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but here it was in black and white:

'Leena Klammer, daughter of the deceased, Karl Klammer, is now a prime suspuct in a series of multiple murders.'

The article went on to explain how the bodies of my Father and Irene were found, including the bodies of my clients. The cops tracked down my sister and she told them everything about our past. There was even an old picture of me in the papers!

"Son of a bitch," I mumbled under my breath. I just couldn't believe it. This had to be a nightmare!

"I knew it!" Maksim snatched the paper from me, pointing a finger at my face. "I KNEW you were killing our clients! And now here's the PROOF! I should just turn you in right now!"

Panic rose within me and I jumped up to my feet, crying hysterically. "No, Maksim! You PROMISED! You said I was valuable!"

That was three years ago, and I was now twenty-seven years old. My God, have I really been a prostitute for that long?!

Maksim only sneered, "That was BEFORE you started killing our clients! And now I'm hardly making anything off of you! I might as well throw you out onto the streets!"

"NO! GODDAMMIT, PLEASE! I-Im sorry, Maksim! But they broke my heart!"

"Broke your heart? What do you think this is? Some kind of DATING service?! You DON'T fall for the clients!"

I was crying pathetically. "I know, I know! It WON'T happen again! I fucking swear! Please! PLEASE, give me another chance! Don't turn me in, Maksim! PLEASE!"

There was a long pause before he finally answered.

"Alright, Miss Klammer," he spoke my last name like there was venom in his mouth. "I'll give you one more, ONE more chance! But if there's another screw up, you're OUT! Understand?!"

I quickly nodded, "Y-Yes, sir. I understand."

Why did I ever fucking believe that prick?!

* * *

It began just like any other day, or so I thought. Maksim dropped me off at a new client's house, then left me there without saying a word, as usual. This was business after all, I had to remind myself.

"I expect 200 kroons when I'm finished," I explained to my client, "Nothing more and especially nothing less!" God forbid if I come up short with Maksim again. If this client didn't pay me what I asked then I was planning to steal.

"You drive a hard bargin, Leena. But let's see what you have to offer me first. Strip for me," the man ordered.

"What?"

"You heard me!"

I thought this was odd. As I said before, the clients usually wanted me to stay in my costume, as that was the only way I truly looked like a child. And I never stripped for anyone before. But as Maksim had said plenty times before, you have to give the customers what they want. So I obliged.

I started doing a little dance for him, giving the man a 'show'. I turned around, my back facing him as I slowly removed my coat. I was about to unzip my dress next, until he suddenly gave me another order.

"Put your hands up where I can see them!"

"What?" I turned around quick, not expecting it at all as the man aimed a gun right at me!

"FREEZE! You're under arrest, Leena! Put your hands up, NOW!"

Fucking Maksim! I knew it was him that set me up! I should've seen this coming! I should've known this 'client' was an undercover cop!

Fuck! Shit, fuck! I was dead now; caught redhanded. But instead of freezing, I took a risky move and bolted for the front door. But as soon as I stepped outside, that's when the squad cars came swarming in. I was surrounded. Caught!

I hold up my hands in defeat, and one cop came to roughly put my arms behind my back, slapping on the handcuffs. This was all happening so fast, I didn't know what to think or do.

"Leena Klammer, you're under arrest for prostitution and multiple accounts of first degree murder!"

I started screaming as they shoved me into the back of a squad car. "This is fucking Maksim that did it! You should arrest HIM! He kidnaps underage girls and forces us to do these horrible things! LET ME GO! I'M FUCKING INNOCENT!"

But they wouldn't listen to me. I kept screaming and crying, cursing them and cursing myself for letting this happen.

But I would soon learn prison was not to be my fate. It was something much more horrible, and it began with just two words:

Saarne Institute...


	8. Chapter 8

They called me insane; mentally-ill. I couldn't believe it. So now I was deemed 'sick' for wanting to find love?! Yes, I killed people, but they fucking deserved it! And all those men were pedophiles anyway, so wasn't I really doing the world a favor?! The courts didn't seem to think so, as I was sent right back to Tallinn and locked in a goddamn mental hospital! I swear, they are the insane ones, NOT me!

The Saarne Institute was a castle-like shaped building, but it was anything but royalty. It was Hell, pure Hell! The place was filthy and the halls echoed with the screams of the insane. I didn't belong here!

They stripped me of my costume and forced me to wear white scrubs and no fucking shoes. Then they took my mugshot and soon I was escorted to my cell. A fucking padded cell! Oh god, I was truly in a nuthouse. There was no window in my cell, except for the small barred window on the door; probably for the orderlies and doctors to spy on me. All I had was a cot and a nightstand with an old Bible in it. Not even a toilet was in here! Was this really what my life was reduced to? What did I do to deserve this?

But to my surprise, I had a visitor on my first day here...

"Leena?" I heard a familiar voice call, and my heart leapt with joy at the sight of my twin's face staring at me through the bars.

"Sister!" I jumped up, running to the door to greet her. I smiled wide from ear to ear; tears of joy swelling in my eyes. I thought she was here to free me, to save me from this horrid place. But she didn't look too thrilled to see me here.

Veera frowned, "Leena, what did you do? How? How could you kill so many people? I can understand why you killed Father, but...becoming a prostitute?! What the hell were you thinking?"

"Are you not happy to see me?" I asked, avoiding her interrogation. I felt hurt to see my beautiful sister look at me like this. "It's been so many years, Veera, so many goddamned years! I've missed you!" I reached out through the tiny window, wanting to touch her or hold her hand.

"I've missed you too, sister. But no, I'm not happy to see you like this!" She took my hand in her's and my heart skipped a beat.

"So take me away from here! Tell them I'm innocent!"

She looked at me sadly, "You know I can't do that. You're not innocent, Leena. I don't believe you're a monster but I do believe Father ruined you. You're sick and need help, sister." Veera sighed, "Why didn't you just run away with me when you had the chance?"

She had me crying now. "I couldn't do that then."

"Yes, you could! But you let Father control you!"

"He loved me!"

"No, Leena. He molested us! Can't you see that? And if he 'loved' you so much, then why did you murder him and run away?"

I didn't answer her. I couldn't admit that she was right.

Veera shook her head and sighed again, "I love you, Leena."

My heart skipped another beat. "Y-You do?"

"Of course, I do. You're my twin sister. I'll always love you...no matter what you do."

"I love you too, Veera. I always have..."

Before she could say another word, I pull my sister up close to the window and kissed her. A real kiss; sticking my tongue in her mouth.

But Veera didn't kiss me back. She recoiled from me; a look of pure disgust and horror on her face.

"Oh my God! Oh my God, Leena! You love me like THAT?!"

"Of course! Don't you?"

"NO!"

I felt like my very soul was being crushed. I tried to reach for her again but she backed away.

"You're sicker than I thought! Father's brainwashed you!"

I choked between sobs, "B-But V-V-Veera, you're all I got left!"

Veera wiped a tear from her eye as she backed away again. "Goodbye, Leena," she then turned to leave, walking away from me, walking out of my life again.

"No! VEERA! You're all I've got! Don't leave me here! YOU'RE ALL I'VE GOT!"

But there was no answer; she just kept walking down the hall. I suddenly lost it.

"YOU SELFISH BITCH! YOU DARE LEAVE ME IN HERE?! If I EVER see your face again, you're DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE DEAD! I'LL KILL YOU JUST LIKE FATHER! YOU'LL BE BURRIED RIGHT BESIDE HIM!"

But I never saw or heard from Veera again.

I slid slowly down the padded door, hugging my knees to my chest, I cried and cried. My Father didn't want me and now even my own sister didn't want me.

I was truly alone...


	9. Chapter 9

My second day at Saarne was just as equally horrible. (As was every fucking day I was imprisoned there for five goddamn years!) I was in the cafeteria for breakfast that morning, if you could even call the 'food' they served us 'breakfast'. I believe they were slowly trying to poison everyone there; it was disgusting slop! And to make it worse, they had a record playing on an endless loop, with the same song being played over and over again. Either the old record player was broken or they were too fucking lazy to choose a different song!

'You've got to give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart break a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love...'

Ugh! Of course it just had to be a song about love, didn't it? As if I needed more reminders of how unlovable I am! And the more that damn song played on repeat, the more I surely thought my ears would start bleeding. Perhaps it was the song, or this place, or all these nutjobs around me (or all of the above) but I was getting really fucking ticked off! And it was in that moment that I realized how short my fuse really was.

The patient sitting next to me, some crazy ass woman, asked me a question regarding my height, and the words she used did not sit well with me at all. In that split second all I saw was red and all I could hear was the lyrics of that fucking song, as I suddenly jabbed my fork into the woman's hand.

'...As long as there's the two of us, we've got the world and all it's charms. And when the world is through with us, we've got each other's arms...'

Just as sudden, I felt two orderlies trying to pry me off the woman, as I was still beating the shit out of her on the cafeteria floor.

"AHHHH!" I scream out at the top of my lungs, wanting everyone here to know of my rage. By now, I was trying to fight the two orderlies; kicking and biting them. But then another one ran up to me and jabbed a needle in my neck. Then everything started going fuzzy.

'...You've got to win a little, lose a little. Yes, and always have the blues a little. That's the story of, that's the glory of love. That's the story of, that's the glory of love...'

By the time the song was about to start up again (for the thirtith time!) I was already sedated and knocked out cold. Everything went black...

* * *

When I awoke, I was in my cell again. That damn song was still playing in my mind. I felt groggy and my head hurt like I had a hangover. I was going to lift my hand to rub my forehead, only to find that my arm couldn't move. I looked down, seeing to my horror that I was now placed in a fucking straightjacket!

"NO!" I cried out; immediately twisting and turning my body, trying to break free, but it was no use. Any struggling I did seemed to make the jacket tighter; cutting into my neck and wrists.

"LET ME OUT OF THIS THING! NOW!" I screamed, and they must've heard me, because I then heard the sound of my door unlocking. In stepped three men; two young orderlies and an older man, a doctor.

"Ah, hello, Miss Klammer. I see you're awake now," the older man said with a smile, stepping closer to me as the orderlies stayed by the door; probably to make sure I wouldn't escape. As if they actually expected me to do something in these restraints. All I could do was sit with my back against the padded wall. I was still out of it from the drugs, I couldn't even stand up right now let alone run. These fucking assholes, I swear! I felt like killing all three of them right then! But the doctor's next words brought me out of my violent thoughts.

"My name is Dr. Varava, and I'm the head doctor here at Saarne Institute. Now, I've been reading over your charts Leena, and I want to make things clear to you. I do not wish to be your enemy, nor will I tolerate any form of violence here. I, we all, are here to help you, not harm you. And everything that is done here is for your health and well-being. I truly wish to see a full recovery with you, Leena. Now..."

"Does THIS look like it's good for my fucking well-being?!" I interrupted him; jerking my body once to emphasize I was talking about the jacket.

Dr. Varava nodded grimly, "That is to keep you, and our staff and patients safe. I understand it's uncomfortable, but you must learn that there are and will be consequences for your negative outburst."

I just rolled my eyes and I could feel the tears coming. This was more than just 'uncomfortable', this was painful and humiliating. I wondered if he was ever in one of these jackets. I bet not. So he had no room to talk about how it felt!

"Please, doctor," I begged, crying now. "Let me out of this thing! I'll do anything to be let out! Please! I'm sorry!"

"Let's first discuss what happened in the cafeteria this morning. What provoked you like that, Leena?"

I lowered my head, looking down at my lap as I answered, "She...She called me a 'midget'."

"I see. So, are you in denial of your condition?" He asked.

I shot him an angry glare, "Fuck you!"

Dr. Varava sighed, "Well, Miss Klammer, if we can't discuss this like civilized adults, then..." He was turning to head out the door.

"No, wait! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

He paused. "Sorry to me, or sorry for what you did to poor Mari? You do realize she has to have stitches in her hand now and that you almost broke her nose?"

"Both! I'm sorry, for what I-I said and did!" I lied; I didn't feel a fucking thing. The bitch deserved it! "Please give me another chance, Dr. Varava! I can change, really! I want to change. Just please take this jacket off me!"

Dr. Varava paused again, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Then, to my relief, he finally nodded. "Alright, Leena. Because I believe in second chances, I'm willing to give you one. But should another episode like this happen again, I will have no choice but to restrain you again and keep you in solitary confinement."

I quickly nodded, "Yes, yes. I understand, doctor. I'll be good. I promise you!"

"Alright then."

He then nodded to the orderlies, giving them the okay to remove the straightjacket. And true to my word, I did nothing...for now. I knew it was going to be difficult to keep my temper in check, especially in this fucking place. I already wanted to burn this fucking hospital to the ground! But for now, I was just relieved not to have that thing on me. I glanced down at my wrists, which already had faint red marks from my struggling. Goddamn, how tight did they have that thing?!

"Thank you, doctor," I made sure to say, trying not to have a sarcastic undertone.

As I rubbed my now sore wrists and neck, I watched as the doctor crossed the room. He opened the drawer to my nightstand; getting out that Bible, he gently tossed it to me and it landed by my side. I glanced down at it. It was so old that rubber bands had to hold the damn thing together and the pages were stained yellow with age. Reluctantly, I picked it up and just stared at the cover.

"I don't like to judge people, Leena. As I said before, I read your charts. I know you've had a tough life and I want you to know it's not your fault. Not all of it."

I glanced up at him.

Dr. Varava shrugged, "I'm just suggesting you read that sometime. I know it can get lonely and boring in here. It'll give you something to do and hopefully, give you some things to think about. Like I said, I just want the best for you, Leena. I want you to get better."

I said nothing. The only way I'd ever get 'better' was if I was out of here, with a husband and maybe a family of my own. Was that really too much to ask? And I didn't believe in 'God' anyway; never have, never will. If there was really a higher power, then I wouldn't be in this shithole right now. And I sure as hell wouldn't be trapped inside a child's body for the rest of my fucking miserable life!

Dr. Varava nodded to the book one last time, before turning to leave with the orderlies. As they locked the door behind them, I heard Varava say to me, "Welcome to Saarne, Miss Klammer."

A tear rolled down my face slowly, landing on the Bible in my lap.

More like, 'Welcome to Hell', I thought.

And Hell it was...


End file.
